50 First Dates

Date One
She had walked in wearing one of those little red dresses. Short, tight, the kind that make a man go wild. He had always used the coffee shop as a place to stroke his ego and show off his stuff. He thought she must have had something important going on - a meeting, a presentation, something. Rob looked at his watch. 2:21 p.m.
Rob had always had a thing for brunettes. Rob got up from his corner table. Her hand was reaching for the freshly-brewed cup of coffee. He felt like a cat on the prowl, his confidence soaring. She looked up and smiled, one of those pitiful but kind smiles, as if to apologize for being in his walkway.
“Hey baby.”
She had a large stack of papers in her hands, attempting to balance them on her left arm as she reached for her coffee sitting on the counter with her right.
“Shoot doll, lemme get that for you.” Smooth, he thought. She’s like puddy in your hands already.
But, as he went to grab her cup, he slipped. His hand swatted the front of the paper cup, knocking the unsecured lid off onto the floor. The hot liquid soaked her head to toe. She screamed bloody murder.
“You bastard!”
Her papers hit the floor, soaking into the brown coffee that had made a puddle at her feet.
“You are going to pay for this,” she screamed. The coffee continued to burn her skin. The pain and humiliation were fierce. "I had a presentation today! That shit took me months to prepare!"
Damn, Rob thought, no sex tonight.

Date Two
Today was a new day. Rob had decided to up the ante for Date 2. “Never give up, never surrender!” was his motto. He sat down and pulled out the newspaper, turning to the classifieds.
His apartment was what Rob considered to be a typical bachelor pad. A lava lamp, massage oil, mood music, and condoms. Lots of condoms. He was, after all, a desperado. A Don Juan. Casanova. He could get the ladies. He nodded. Oh yes, he could get the ladies.
Rob skimmed the ads. He was not yet skilled enough to navigate the ins and outs of online dating. Heck, his job at Pizza Joint didn’t really provide the funds for extras, the internet included. Plus, he figured that if he found a woman through the paper, one, she would be more serious and, two, she would have cash to spend, with the extra 42-cent stamp that it took to send the ad and have it published.
He started reading, his eyes focused on locating the words that turned him on the most: hot, sexy, brunette…sex.
“Hmmm… this one looks good. Maybe this one?” He wished there were pictures.
“Oh yes, here she is.” He read the ad out loud. “Wild and Sexy Lollipop Mama -- Brown hair, blue eyed female looking for sexy, romantic male. Must like hot and wild women. If this is you and you’re looking for a good time, call: 555-2397.”
She sounds hot, he thought. H-O-T-T. And boy, do I like lollipops.
He picked up the phone and dialed.
“Come on, baby. Come to Papa.”
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ri --
“Hello?”
“Hi, is this Hot and Sexy Lollipop Mama?”
He couldn’t contain himself. The suspense was too much.
“Ooo, you bet your hot, sexy lollipop lips it is. Who is this?”
Rob could tell this girl was a winner. Her voice was like honey. He could just imagine how good she looked.
“This is Rob. You sound like my kind of girl. How about you and me head out tonight? There is this hot little club down the street called Studio X. What do you say we meet around 11 p.m.? I’ll be the hot, sexy Lolli-Papa out front in jeans and a black leather jacket.”
“Honey, how much money you got?”
“Baby, don’t you worry about that. I got you covered more than you know.”
Rob smiled to himself. That was smooth, Rob boy. You got her right where you want her.
He waited out front at Studio X. 10:57 p.m. He strained his eyes to see if she was coming. The flashing lights and booming music made him feel like he was tripping acid. Not that he ever had, but he could imagine this would be just like it.
A group of people stopped in front of him. When they were ushered inside the club, only one person stood remained.
“You Rob?”
He stood there, unsure how to answer. He looked her up and down. He was confused. Was it her? Was it Hot and Sexy Lollipop Mama? Hang on. He looked closer. Was this even… a she? He couldn’t be sure. He told himself, I must be tripping. Whatever it was, this is not what he had expected. It was dressed in black leather. Tall and sculpted, its physique reminded him of Catwoman. Or maybe it was more like Batman’s.
This was not cool, he thought. He looked down. It had a whip.
“Ummmm….”
He shook his head. No way, he thought. No way in hell.
It spoke.
“Well, you see a guy named Rob around here, you tell him Hot and Sexy Mama’s got a big surprise waiting for him.”
I’m sure, Rob thought. Too big for what I’m looking for. There’s only room for one penis in my house… and that’s mine.
Rob started walking home.
Damn, he thought, no sex tonight. 0 for 2.